I have been a nanny for twelve years now and have always come home with funny stories about what the kids said or did that day - kicking myself now for not writing some of them down, I could be the next Bill Cosby! I vowed that with my own kids I would keep a list of funny memories to share with them later in life [I still will never forget when one of 'my girls' told Tyler that when she grew up she was going to 'marriage' him!]
. We don't have children now, but I've decided raising a husband is similar to raising a child [and I have already started writing that post]
so I have been keeping track of Tyler's child-like antics. He never fails to make me laugh!
This week and next we celebrate Tyler's completion of his work on Procter and Gamble's Safeway team here in San Francisco. While I'm sure the coming weeks will be sad, I'm also excited that tonight his team will be roasting him. In the spirit of roasting, I've compiled a list of some of his craziness that usually only I get the pleasure of seeing and hearing - although he had been opening up lately! Tyler is one of the funniest people I know, from his countless impersonations and song inventions, to his "I'm really being serious" moments - if you're lucky enough to have seen him branch out into his sillyness then consider yourself lucky! I'm sure this list will grow with time, but for now, enjoy these little snippets of my daily life! [Disclaimer: some of these may be 'you had to be there' moments - but if you sit back and really try to picture him doing them, you'll laugh - or you can just skip to the videos at the end!]
"I just thought of something! PFV. Guess what it stands for?!" "I don't know, Tyler." "Personal Flying Vehicle!" "Ok" "Guess what it also stands for?!" "What, Tyler?" "Peters Family Vehicle! Get it?! Cause we're going to invent it! Think about it. Graham's going to Dayton. Dayton Flyers. Wright Brothers. Peters Brothers. It's time."
"Tyler, why is it that when we're folding laundry together, I can fold your clothes for you if I pick them out of the pile, but when you pick up my clothes, you just throw them into another pile for me to fold later?" "You have baby clothes so I can't fold those." "What does that even mean?!" "Look at these. They're too tiny, I can't fold them. Baby clothes." he says matter-of-factly. "So are you telling me that when we have kids, I can look forward to doing everything myself?" "No, I'll help then, there's nothing to it, you just fold it over once and you're done!" "Good. Start practicing now."
- The Times He Pretends He Speaks Spanish:
Walks in to a Mexican restaurant and asks, "Can I have a quesadilla? And make sure there's cheese on it!" "Tyler! You don't have to ask for cheese! That's what a quesadilla is!" "No, cheese is queso, that's not in quesAdilla so he may not know." Face-palm.
"I'm taking you kayaking in La Joe-la!" "Are you sure that's the name of it?" "Yes!" "How is it spelled?" "L-a J-o-l-l-a. La Joe-la!" "Yeah, hate to break it to you, honey but we're going to La Jolla, pronounced 'Hoy-ya'" "Mmm I don't think so."
"Como estaaaaba la princeeessea muy buena, si?" Just stop.
- The Time I Forgot My Hairbrush:
If you know me, you know I have curly and sometimes unmanageable hair. Forgetting to pack hair necessities is one of the worst things that could happen to me - they're my sanity and semi-protection from a frizzy mess. In a spur-of-the-moment trip, I forgot to pack my conditioner, and hairbrush. By the time I realized I didn't have conditioner, I had already gotten in the shower at the hotel and realized that not only did I not have my own but they had given us two shampoos and no conditioner.
Clearly upset with the sandpaper feel of my hair after the shower, and getting frustrated trying to brush through the unconditioned hair with my fingers, Tyler lovingly stepped in to help brush with his fingers. After about 40 combined minutes of work [no joke] my hair was 'finished' and I realized, no anti-frizz cream. Score. Tired of waiting, Tyler insisted, "It looks fine!" so we left for dinner, but I knew what was coming.
Halfway through dinner, "your hair looks really nice, it's drying well, my combing really helped!!" he said with the proudest grin. "Oh, really?" I said sarcastically, "how's the back look?" I asked, turning the back of my head towards him, already knowing the answer. "Uhm. Nobody looks at the back of your hair. I did a really good job!" *proudest smile ever*
So, sheepskin rugs have been coming back in style, and not always used as a rug. View this Pinterest Board
to see what I mean. I had been eying the Ikea Sheepskin
for a while after seeing it used countless times on Instagram but it wasn't until I saw it at a friend's house resting on the back of their chair that I decided to make it my own. I got home and proudly placed it on our chair in the family room.
Three weeks later I hear, "What is this?!" I come in from the bedroom to see Tyler holding up the sheepskin and calmly explain that it's decor [a word he now cringes at].
"For two weeks
I thought this was our bath rug! I thought you put it there to dry after washing it! Take it back!" I'm still confused as to why he thought I'd dry a soaking wet bath rug on a chair vs our drying rack, but I'm still enjoying resting against the coziness that is sheepskin.
Mid-dinner silence is broken when Tyler proclaims, "I've got it! We can name our kids Penny and Peter!" "NO!" "Yes! Penny Peters and Peter Peters!" he says beyond excitedly, "You're just asking for them to be made fun of." "Fine." Two minutes of silence goes by, "What about 'Hurricane, Hurricane Peters'?" "Absolutely not!" I said in disgust, "Good! Cause if you liked it we would so NOT be able to be friends anymore," he said with a wag of his finger, and right back to eating he goes. It amazes me of how serious he can be when he's being funny.
The kid literally sings, "A Hunting We Will Go," when he's trying to find a spot in the lane next to him to merge in to on the highway. I also became aware of his morning ritual when we decided one day that I would drive with him to work, take his car back and pack for a weekend trip, then come back to pick him up and leave for the trip:
Two minutes in to the drive I ask a question with this response, "What are you doing? WE don't talk the first five minutes of the drive in the morning!" Still wondering who 'we' is. And exactly 5 minutes in as he gets on the ramp to the interstate, he flips on the talk radio and starts singing to himself, "A Hunting We Will Go" as he white-knuckles the top of the steering wheel with both hands and moves his face towards the windshield with squinting eyes seeking his way in to the lane, and then he starts talking to me like I had just joined him in the car at that very moment.
While on vacation this winter - not in California - "Winter really stinks. It's so dark and depressing. It'll be better when we're back in Cincinnati eventually." "Cincinnati is dark and depressing in the winter Tyler, it's like that almost everywhere except tropical states, and we've been lucky in California." "I know, but at least in Cincinnati you're with family so you can just be depressed with everyone." No words.
Going through drive-thru lanes with Tyler is one of the most embarrassing things ever. Luckily for me, I was raised by jokester Steven Villegas and have perfected the duck-and-hide-before-getting-to-the-window move. He always does impersonations and crazy voices and when we would go through the drive-thru at his dad's Chick-fil-A they'd say, "Your total is $12.56" and he'd yell in a crazy person's voice complete with a crazy evil laugh, "No it's not, it's free, muahahaha!" and speed away so they'd hear the tires peeling.
Most recently at the Chick-fil-A by us, the girl at the headset couldn't control her laughter while taking our order because her friends were at the window teasing her. Tyler gives his order and as she giggles through repeating it back, he goes, "Ma'am this is not funny," in his serious voice while turning and laughing to my face - she was so stoic from then on and as he rolls away, "I got her, hehehe." Drive-thru workers, beware!
- The Best Part About Mac and Cheese:
It's become typical that I have to remind Tyler to use manners at the dinner table. A while back we were eating Mac and Cheese for lunch and he was literally inhaling it. "Tyler! Chew!" his response, "Chew?! That's the best part about mac! You don't have to chew, you just swallow! See," he said, pointing to the mac on his fork, "it even has these wind holes!"
Where does he come up with this? The best part of the conversation was when I made him promise to me, "Promise me you will never eat like this in front of other human beings?" and with an eye-roll and a shake, he did. Then I stated, "that includes all human beings, even little humans, as in our future children," "Dangit! You tricked me!" ..and back to swallowing the mac.
Proof I am really dealing with a child. Last winter, right before Christmas, the Kate Spade Outlet had 50% off everything. Naturally, since a pair of KS Bow Earrings was on my Christmas Wishlist, I drug Tyler to the sale. The line was out-the-door long and we had to wait for about 45 minutes but we took shifts - one person would wait while the other went into other stores then we'd switch. When we finally got to the front of the line, I got a taste of what was to come. Tyler to the door keeper: "Hey, hey lady! Can we go yet? LADY? Is it our turn?!" Once inside, I mention we're only there to look at jewelry so we're going to have to wait until the crowd moves away from that area. Two seconds later I look up to see Tyler pushing ladies out of his way, arriving at the jewelry table, turning and smiling at me, and motioning to me that there's an open tile of floor for me to stand on by him. Lucky me.
As if that wasn't enough, we're looking at the jewelry displayed on a dresser when an employee mentions, "there are more necklaces in the top left drawer, more rings in the top middle drawer, and more earrings in the top right!" I had already spotted the earrings so I decided to open the top left drawer just to see, then I hear those words a mother, er, I mean wife, never wants to hear, "excuse me sir, I'm going to have to ask you not to open those." I look to my right and every drawer of the dresser is open with Tyler smiling like a kid in a candy store. His response, "Sorry lady, I'm a mischievous one, you're going to have to watch me!" And she did. Like a hawk. The rest of the time we were in the store. Good thing Kate Spade isn't a classy establishment or anything..
My boss and his wife have a newborn and a one-and-a-half year old that I watch frequently during the day. They asked if I could watch them one night while they went to a benefit and as they always do, invited Tyler and offered dinner. Knowing Tyler I figured the last thing he'd want to do after work is watch energetic kids [ha, wait until parenthood] so I offered to make him dinner and leave it in the fridge for when he got home.
As I'm getting ready to leave, he calls and says, "are they getting you pizza tonight?" "Yes" "Ok, I'm coming with you!" After picking me up, he goes, "Wow. This is a really good gig, we need to get this gig in Charlotte like 4 nights a week. We save money not buying dinner for ourselves and then make money at the same time! And after we put the kids to bed, we're forced to be productive on our work computers because we're not at our own house so we can't go to bed!" "Uh-huh, suure," I said, knowing it's not that
easy. "Okay, fine, maybe just 3 nights a week."
into watching the boys, "Can I go home now?! I'm tired. How do you do this? You make it look so easy!"
As mentioned above, I watch little ones in my spare time. Can't get enough of them and the best part is I get to give them back when I'm done and can get a good night's sleep ;) for now at least! Anyway, back to Tyler, he is paedophobic
. Mostly to infants, he can handle a child once it is old enough to do funny things. A few weeks after B&K's baby was born I asked if he wanted to come with me to meet him, his response, "does it talk yet?" "No, Tyler, he
's an infant!" "Nah."
When my boss and I were setting up for the company Christmas party he asked Tyler if he could watch the oldest son to which Tyler laughed. When he realized B was holding him out in Tyler's direction, Tyler goes, "Oh, you were serious?" look around, and takes him from him, carries him with both arms extended away from his body as if the little guy had a disease or something. He then proceeded to get into the Chick-fil-A play-place and slide down the slide with him.
The night we watched them that Tyler wanted to duck out early from, I had just fed the infant and was burping him as we coaxed the oldest upstairs for bed. "You have two choices Tyler, you can burp the baby or change W's diaper. What do you want to do?" "I ain't changin' no diaper!" So I had him sit down in the rocker, and gave him the baby in burping position. When I came back two minutes later from changing W's diaper, the baby was 90% of the way down Tyler's chest and they both had a look of fear in their eyes. "What are you doing?!" "He was moving, and wiggling!!" "Yeah, he's trying to learn to use his neck muscles, you have to hold
him!" "I'm done, I'm going to break him, I'm done!" ..sorry B&K.
- The Time He Had to Tell His Pet Peeves About Me:
So we interviewed for Property Virgins and the first step was a written interview where Tyler had to list his pet peeves about me:
So, let me get this straight, it bothers you that I'm organized, clean, try to keep the bathroom from flooding and potentially molding, keep you looking fashionable, prefer even numbers, value my sleep so I'm in a better mood for you, keep the house looking like it belongs in HGTv Magazine [where they all display their mixers on the counter]
, and again, keep you looking fashionable and not like a fool?
In the Skype interview he also admitted his other pet peeve about me was I make the bed every single day and, "it takes her FOREVER to come to bed at night, probably because she takes the time to floss her teeth and I don't." #SorryNotSorry
The only one I need to explain is the fact that I dislike him working from home. Some people would think I'm mean and unloving for that, but you'd dislike it too if you lived in an 800sq ft apartment where you work from home and while you're trying to work you keep getting interrupted. Schedule when Tyler works from home:
7:50 am - Wake up in a panic because since he's working from home, he didn't set an alarm.
9:20 am - Megan can you make me coffee?
9:50 am - Megan can you come get my coffee cup and put it in the dishwasher? I'm on a call.
10:30 am - What are you making me for lunch?
10:35 am - Megan?! "It's 10:30, lunch isn't until at least noon!" I know, but I like to prepare myself.
11:45 am - When is lunch?
12:00 pm - Is lunch ready?
12:20 pm - Sorry but we're going to have to listen in to this call while we're eating lunch.
12:45 pm - Can you get me some Oreos and milk?
1:00 pm - You're good to clean this up, right? I need to get back to this call.
2:30 pm - Finally settling down to get my work done
2:31 pm - I'm done, do you want to go to the gym together? What's for dinner? How come you're still working? Are we going to do something fun tonight? Helloooo?! You've had all day to work!
Tyler adopted my great aunt's voice and had four separate in-depth phone conversations with my sister, all lasting more than 2 minutes. She had no idea.
This is probably one of my favorites, but you have to have seen this video first
to understand. The other day as we're walking through the park Tyler said something and I quipped back. Astonished, Tyler looked at me wide-eyed, and without missing a beat in his best English accent goes, "Megan bit me! Ouch! You bit me!"
And with that.. I leave you with these gems: